While I have a lot to say, there's not much that I am able to spit out without sounding completely heartless. These past few weeks have taken a toll on both Johnny and I and we have been slipping farther and farther away from each other. It hurts to even think that, but that's the truth. He's been so busy with work, dr appointments, and school that he hardly even sees me let alone his daughter anymore. Layla just got over having RSV so it's been a rough week or so and it's taken a toll on me emotionally. I feel as if I'm not taken as seriously anymore or as if nothing I do even matters. Lets face it, I'm the one doing a hell of a lot more work than he is but yet I feel like I'm stuck in neutral. I understand it's all apart of being a parent but these days it just has me so down in the dumps. I take care of all of our laundry from start to finish, I clean both rooms and the living room (almost every night...) after layla goes to bed, I'm the one making sure we have clean bottles for the night, I'm the one making dr appointments, vet appointments, WIC appointments, etc... I'm the one making sure Layla has a care taker when neither Johnny or I is home with her. I'm the one making sure we always have what Layla needs on hand. I'm the one trying to find a house to make a home for the 4 of us (rascal too duhhh). I'm the one that gives her a bath each and every time. It just feels like the list could go on and on... I'm not asking for much in return if anything but just a simple thank you every once in a while. Yes I'm the mother and most of it is "supposed" to be my responsibility, but it's as if no one, (especially johnny) realizes what kind of planning and work goes into just making a day run smoothly for us.
I barely ever get to go out and just have me time either by myself or with my friends. Even though I'm a mother now, it shouldn't mean that my social life is now gone, right? I feel like I'm getting gypped on things that are going on.
I feel so disconnected from Johnny lately and it sucks. I still go to work, I still go to school, but yet it's as if he fails to realize that even though I don't work the same amount of hours he does or have classes as hard as he does that I'm not enduring the same stress. I've been going to school for 4 years now and should be graduating this May. With all the life changes and such that has happened, that's not happening either. I'm moreso frustrated with myself that this isn't the way my life is going. I'm thankful I've had the experiences I've had along the way but it's just so hard to see that all of the effort and hard work I've put in so far has gotten me nowhere. This isn't how I had pictured my life a couple of years ago. I don't regret anything in my life because it's shaped who I am inside and out however, I can't help but wonder those 'what if's' lately. What if I'd stayed at ball state? What if I had never went on the boat trip and seen what an amazing guy johnny really is? Again, I could go on and on with these but they just make my head hurt.
I really don't know where I'm going with this but it helps to just let it all out sometimes. I understand and realize that motherhood isn't about being recognized and praised for everything you do every single day. I just feel that everything I do is just overlooked and thought of as normal. I'm not doing what normal people do at my age. I'm not doing things the "right" way and sometimes I feel as if I'm looked down upon for that. Yes I have a child without being married, yes we live with his parents right now, no we don't have our lives in order yet...
I feel as if I don't belong here right now. I get so frustrated at the fact that we don't have our own place to call OUR home. I feel as if I'm a failure because I need a little help every now and then. I just don't get why it has all happened this way. I get so unbelievably stressed out and I don't know how to handle myself. It feels like it's all about to fall apart from underneath my feet. I need to feel like I have control and I don't. It drives me crazy that I'm looked at certain ways for the things I do. I try my best to act like it doesn't bother me when deep down inside it's ripping me apart. I don't need to feel this way, I don't deserve it. I need to be in a place where I can be who I want to be without feeling like I have to put on an act. I just want to know things will be okay.
Good things come to those who wait. -- my mom has told me this time and time again through-out my life and I try to tell myself when I'm at my lowest points but sometimes it's just so hard to believe. I try my best to make sure Layla has the best life possible but somehow I still feel like a failure when we can't do this or that because of some stupid reason.
I just don't know if this is okay to be feeling this way. It seems lately that the only reason why I get up every morning is to see that 2 toothed smile grinning at me when I walk in her bedroom. I know everything happens for a reason and I wouldn't have that tattooed on my wrist for no reason, but right now it's hard to find that reasoning.
As I sit outside in the crazy wind it's making me realize that my life is never going to be the way I "planned" or really want it to be. I just want to know that I'm making the best decisions possible not only for myself but for Layla as well. With that being said I'm not sure school is the best road for me to take right now. I just can't seem to find that light at the end of the tunnel because I thought I'd see it by now. I feel as if I'd be a much better and happier person (and mother) if I didn't have all the added stress of school ontop of everything else going on. I know that the most common reason for not going is that there isn't enough time. Well really right now there ISN'T. (at least for me.) You can say well do it when the baby is sleeping. Thats easier said than done around these parts. Layla's beginning to get on a different schedule and it just seems so conflicting anymore and any extra time I have to get anything done, it's to get household things done. Laundry, bottles, cleaning, etc... and then after all that don't you think it'd be healthy to have some ME time instead of worrying about my next paper or exam? I just don't really know right now and it has me in such a topsy turvy whirlwind of thoughts. It's not sitting well with me that I'm thinking this but maybe it'd be for the best? Let Johnny get done with his schooling, get a job, (maybe relocate?) and get settled and then I can shoot for the stars in what I really want to do? Which by the way I have no idea anymore. Which is another thing that has me all confused. I just don't really know if Environmental stuff is really my forte anymore. I have so many thoughts day in and day out of what I would REALLY enjoy doing and what I could really excel at instead of just settling for what I know. My problem is, I don't know. I enjoy all sorts of things and maybe if I just took a little time off to think maybe that will lead me to exactly where I want to be when I realize it.
The thing that worries me most about this whole situation though is of course money. If I were to stop going to school, 6 more months from now I'd have my loans to worry about. We're definitely not in a place and won't be in that time frame to be able to afford that. So I just don't know.
The weather is starting to get even crazier out here. I think it's time for just one more cigarette and then I'm going to head inside. but for now, please keep me in your prayers. I need some light shed on some things and I just really need the Lords help with all of this...
