Tuesday, August 30, 2011

What's been going on?


Well a hell of a lot to say the very least. I have so much pent up steam to vent out it's not even funny. I could go on and on at this moment, but I can't. I'm in a lot of pain right now, I'm tired as all get out and I have a doctors appt bright and early at 845 in the morning.

However, I do plan on getting back into the swing of things here. I miss my outlet. Possibly even learn the ropes of blogging and hopefully become quite good at it. I think that's a fair goal? :)

Until tomorrow when everything rolls on out, ttfn.



Sunday, April 3, 2011

something's not right..

While I have a lot to say, there's not much that I am able to spit out without sounding completely heartless. These past few weeks have taken a toll on both Johnny and I and we have been slipping farther and farther away from each other. It hurts to even think that, but that's the truth. He's been so busy with work, dr appointments, and school that he hardly even sees me let alone his daughter anymore. Layla just got over having RSV so it's been a rough week or so and it's taken a toll on me emotionally. I feel as if I'm not taken as seriously anymore or as if nothing I do even matters. Lets face it, I'm the one doing a hell of a lot more work than he is but yet I feel like I'm stuck in neutral. I understand it's all apart of being a parent but these days it just has me so down in the dumps. I take care of all of our laundry from start to finish, I clean both rooms and the living room (almost every night...) after layla goes to bed, I'm the one making sure we have clean bottles for the night, I'm the one making dr appointments, vet appointments, WIC appointments, etc... I'm the one making sure Layla has a care taker when neither Johnny or I is home with her. I'm the one making sure we always have what Layla needs on hand. I'm the one trying to find a house to make a home for the 4 of us (rascal too duhhh). I'm the one that gives her a bath each and every time. It just feels like the list could go on and on... I'm not asking for much in return if anything but just a simple thank you every once in a while. Yes I'm the mother and most of it is "supposed" to be my responsibility, but it's as if no one, (especially johnny) realizes what kind of planning and work goes into just making a day run smoothly for us.

I barely ever get to go out and just have me time either by myself or with my friends. Even though I'm a mother now, it shouldn't mean that my social life is now gone, right? I feel like I'm getting gypped on things that are going on.

I feel so disconnected from Johnny lately and it sucks. I still go to work, I still go to school, but yet it's as if he fails to realize that even though I don't work the same amount of hours he does or have classes as hard as he does that I'm not enduring the same stress. I've been going to school for 4 years now and should be graduating this May. With all the life changes and such that has happened, that's not happening either. I'm moreso frustrated with myself that this isn't the way my life is going. I'm thankful I've had the experiences I've had along the way but it's just so hard to see that all of the effort and hard work I've put in so far has gotten me nowhere. This isn't how I had pictured my life a couple of years ago. I don't regret anything in my life because it's shaped who I am inside and out however, I can't help but wonder those 'what if's' lately. What if I'd stayed at ball state? What if I had never went on the boat trip and seen what an amazing guy johnny really is? Again, I could go on and on with these but they just make my head hurt.

I really don't know where I'm going with this but it helps to just let it all out sometimes. I understand and realize that motherhood isn't about being recognized and praised for everything you do every single day. I just feel that everything I do is just overlooked and thought of as normal. I'm not doing what normal people do at my age. I'm not doing things the "right" way and sometimes I feel as if I'm looked down upon for that. Yes I have a child without being married, yes we live with his parents right now, no we don't have our lives in order yet...

I feel as if I don't belong here right now. I get so frustrated at the fact that we don't have our own place to call OUR home. I feel as if I'm a failure because I need a little help every now and then. I just don't get why it has all happened this way. I get so unbelievably stressed out and I don't know how to handle myself. It feels like it's all about to fall apart from underneath my feet. I need to feel like I have control and I don't. It drives me crazy that I'm looked at certain ways for the things I do. I try my best to act like it doesn't bother me when deep down inside it's ripping me apart. I don't need to feel this way, I don't deserve it. I need to be in a place where I can be who I want to be without feeling like I have to put on an act. I just want to know things will be okay.

Good things come to those who wait. -- my mom has told me this time and time again through-out my life and I try to tell myself when I'm at my lowest points but sometimes it's just so hard to believe. I try my best to make sure Layla has the best life possible but somehow I still feel like a failure when we can't do this or that because of some stupid reason.

I just don't know if this is okay to be feeling this way. It seems lately that the only reason why I get up every morning is to see that 2 toothed smile grinning at me when I walk in her bedroom. I know everything happens for a reason and I wouldn't have that tattooed on my wrist for no reason, but right now it's hard to find that reasoning.

As I sit outside in the crazy wind it's making me realize that my life is never going to be the way I "planned" or really want it to be. I just want to know that I'm making the best decisions possible not only for myself but for Layla as well. With that being said I'm not sure school is the best road for me to take right now. I just can't seem to find that light at the end of the tunnel because I thought I'd see it by now. I feel as if I'd be a much better and happier person (and mother) if I didn't have all the added stress of school ontop of everything else going on. I know that the most common reason for not going is that there isn't enough time. Well really right now there ISN'T. (at least for me.) You can say well do it when the baby is sleeping. Thats easier said than done around these parts. Layla's beginning to get on a different schedule and it just seems so conflicting anymore and any extra time I have to get anything done, it's to get household things done. Laundry, bottles, cleaning, etc... and then after all that don't you think it'd be healthy to have some ME time instead of worrying about my next paper or exam? I just don't really know right now and it has me in such a topsy turvy whirlwind of thoughts. It's not sitting well with me that I'm thinking this but maybe it'd be for the best? Let Johnny get done with his schooling, get a job, (maybe relocate?) and get settled and then I can shoot for the stars in what I really want to do? Which by the way I have no idea anymore. Which is another thing that has me all confused. I just don't really know if Environmental stuff is really my forte anymore. I have so many thoughts day in and day out of what I would REALLY enjoy doing and what I could really excel at instead of just settling for what I know. My problem is, I don't know. I enjoy all sorts of things and maybe if I just took a little time off to think maybe that will lead me to exactly where I want to be when I realize it.

The thing that worries me most about this whole situation though is of course money. If I were to stop going to school, 6 more months from now I'd have my loans to worry about. We're definitely not in a place and won't be in that time frame to be able to afford that. So I just don't know.

The weather is starting to get even crazier out here. I think it's time for just one more cigarette and then I'm going to head inside. but for now, please keep me in your prayers. I need some light shed on some things and I just really need the Lords help with all of this...

Friday, February 11, 2011

Help?


thought you guys would like that. =]


Okay so once this week is over (since i have so much friggin homework) I'm going to start officially planning for Laylas first birthday.

I need a few things from you guys!

I want to do a slideshow to put up on the tv. Pictures and videos from her first year. I need my computer savvy people to recommend how to do that? What kind of program do I use? and one that I can add music to as well, which is ANOTHER thing. Any special kind of songs you guys think I should use? - I'm sure I could find all on my own, but having other input is always special.

Also, any special stores/websites I should look at for party essentials? I'm a google extraordinaire however, like i said before getting other info would help me out a huge ton!

I thank you all in advance for any info/rec's/suggestions you all may have!

I cannot wait to start planning this special day for my amazing little girl! I want to make it perfect... just like she is!

Thursday, February 10, 2011

A little something for you, Layla.



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zsdlgrnjphg&feature=player_embedded

May the angels protect you
Trouble neglect you
And heaven accept you when it's time to go home
May you always have plenty
Your glass never empty
Know in your belly
You're never alone

May your tears come from laughing
You find friends worth having
With every year passing
They mean more than gold
May you win but stay humble
Smile more than grumble
And know when you stumble
You're never alone

Never alone
Never alone
I'll be in every beat of your heart
When you face the unknown
Wherever you fly
This isn't goodbye
My love will follow you stay with you
Baby you're never alone

Well, I have to be honest
As much as I want it
I'm not gonna promise the cold winds won't blow
So when hard times have found you
And your fear surround you
Wrap my love around you
You're never alone

Never alone
Never alone
I'll be in every beat of your heart
When you face the unknown
Wherever you fly
This isn't goodbye
My love will follow you stay with you
Baby you're never alone

May the angels protect you
Trouble neglect you
And heaven accept you when it's time to go home
And when hard times have found you
And your fear surround you
Wrap my love around you
You're never alone

Never alone
Never alone
I'll be in every beat of your heart
When you face the unknown
Wherever you fly
This isn't goodbye
My love will follow you stay with you
Baby you're never alone
My love will follow you stay with you
Baby you're never alone


My sweet little girl. You are my world. I don't know what I ever did without you in my life. You bring so much joy, laughter, and meaning to my life. Although you're still too young to understand, I always want you to know you can always come to your momma. I will always be here for you no matter what. I apologize now in advance for anything I may do or say that you won't agree with. Ever since you come in to my life, I now know what it truly means to have my heart be on the outside of my body. I will do everything in my power to keep you safe and grounded. I love you with everything I am and will forever and always. I could say so much more, but I just wanted to let you know, mommas here and will love you through anything and everything that comes our way. You're my pretty girl, my heaven on earth, my angel, my Layla Grace.




Friday, January 21, 2011

The ultimate in "catching up".

Alright so, I'm guessing I owe you all a huge apology? hahaha..

Wow, this was ridiculous. I have to say that the holidays were filled with craziness and it's been quite a ride since then too.

I'll give you a quick once over on what has happened in the past month and a half!

Christmas was amazingggg! I just have to say that having a child now has made christmas just that much more enjoyable.. even if she didn't know quite what was going on though!


lovin on grampy!!


opening presents~!


okay I could go bonkers with the pictures, so i'm going to move on!



New Years Eve was spent in a small town in Ohio in preparation for my Big Sis's wedding New Years Day! :) She had an amazing ceremony, and I had SO much fun at the reception. It felt so good to just let loose and I'll admit it, GET SILLLAAAAAAYYY.. I think I had about 4 or 5 jack and cokes. yep. I never drink jack either. It's kinda funny how I decided to wear my wine colored dress when Katies main color was the silvery blue! ahhh how I miss pi phi... :(


Anyway, as we got back into the swing of things with work and school, life seems to just get in the way all over again. We can't just sit back and enjoy life anymore because it's all so busy busy busy.

Layla is now pulling up, crawling all over the place (still on her tummy... not up on those knees yet.) and WE HAVE A TOOFER!! Houston, there IS a toof in there! I'm sorry I get a big fat fail as a mommy in the picture dept for this one. Don't blame it all on me though because my little shit is as resilient as a bull when it comes to even letting us get a little peak at her pearly white! hahaha.. I guess I still have to love her though huh? =D


Work has been nuts as always and will get even worse starting February 1st when all footlongs go $5 for a while again! oi! *face palm*

Now that I have insurance again, life has been spent going to and fro dentist and dr appts. I'm finally having my wrist looked at since it's bothered me for oh idk, 6 years now? ugh.. she thinks it could be tendonitis, but we're going to see. She has me on naproxin for a few days to see if that will help anything. If not, then it's onto the next step which is an x-ray. oh bejesussssssss...

well, this pillow below me is calling my name and it's sounding quite good... OH and fyi, i finally got johnny to shut up on the whole TV situation! lol... We now own a sparkly new 44" Sanyo Plasma television. I have to admit, as much as I didn't want him to get a new tv. I'm happy we have it now just so I can get some peace and quiet on the subject!


Time for bed now homedogsssss... I'll do an update #2 2mrw. yes by golly i sure will. GOODNIGHT!





Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Playing Catch Up

Sorry that I haven't posted in so long.

As most of you know, my great-aunt helen passed away on the 1st... It's been a hectic week so far..
My dad brother and I packed up and left thursday night to go home. The funeral was saturday and it was just so surreal. Aunt Helen was someone you thought would just be around forever. She was practically another grandmother to us because she had no children of her own... She had wanted pink in her casket. Pink of any sorts... Well, the family was at a loss because of how the "set" came with her casket, and pink couldn't be included. Her nightgown was an aqua blue color (she wanted to be buried in her pajamas because she wanted to be comfortable in heaven...) plus, she was ALWAYS in her jama's. Either just waking up, or going to bed after you'd leave her house..

Anywho, the family decided on 3 pink roses to put in her hands to represent her 3 great-great nieces.. Once I saw that, it was all over from there. It hit me like a ton of bricks that Layla or Brooklyn won't ever know their great-great aunt helen. :'( I know I should have tried harder to get home for her to meet everyone, but life has it's way of just GETTING IN THE WAY. I hate that. That's why I had to go home. I needed to see my family.. Sad but true, we don't know how much time Grandpop has left anymore, and now that he is all alone, we feel it's going to take a stronger toll on him than anything. I hate being so far away from my family. I hate seeing them all just break apart from each other when we all used to be so close...

The 17th will be 4 years that my grammy's gone.. and that just seems as if it were yesterday. After my dad laid the log down on her grave, I sat and talked to her for a minute.. I just miss her so much it's ridiculous... ugh.

enough with the sadness.. enough with the death..

This week is my finals week and I've got 3 papers to write. We've got a shindig friday and a concert saturday so I'm hoping with all of this, I'll be able to get everything accomplished. I have an 83% in my ethics class and a 93% in my MATH class... kinda weird eyh? hahaha.. after this week is over though my next term doesn't start til the 5th. SO happy for that.. I'm taking an english class and an environmental class. Should be quite interesting...

Christmas is coming and what's new? We're broke. I've gotten all of Lay's presents done, and I still have a few more for lil B yet to get. My mom, johnnys mom and sister are finished. Now as for everyone else, we're clueless.. Plates are due the 21st which sucks, and trying to save for the house is even harder.

Once January comes both Johnny and I will have health insurance again thank GOD. He'll be getting his much needed shoulder surgery and everything so that will be a huge blessing.

Our room needs a major cleaning so I'm figuring 2mrw I will get that done and overwith. Then I'll start tackling my papers. aye aye yayyyhhh.. I need a clone. anyone interested???

Sunday, November 28, 2010

A day of firsts

Yesterday was the day for a few firsts for Layla!

She saw Santa for the first time! Sat on his lap and didn't cry!!! I was so surprised she didn't s.c.r.e.a.m. She was totally calm and absolutely loved the spotlight! (and oh yeah, she was IN THE PAPER!!!) As I'm standing there taking pictures of her with my camera, I hear some woman go "do you mind if I take some pictures?" and I'm about to say, "who the F.." and I turn around and she's from the post! lol, I was like, sure go right ahead!! (I'll have to scan and put it up here next time, it's so darn cute!)



Since we saw Santa at the craft show, it was her first time going to one of those! She was a complete hit! As I walked around with her, everyone ooh'ed and ahh'ed over her.

Once we were home and she had ALL of this pent up energy from nowhere, I stuck her in her Jenny jump up and jumping she went! FOR THE FIRST TIME!




She was being such a huge dork! hahahha.. that's why I love her though!

I can't believe I've already packed away all of her 3-6 month clothing already... it doesn't seem true! Although I do have ONE outfit that she still wears.. and that's her Bears cheerleader outfit! haha.. SUCK IT bears haters! We are number UNO!!!!

muahahahaaaaa..